A Day At the Candy Store
She was very attractive. We didn’t know her name, all we knew was that she was divorced and left with a three-year-old son. She stepped into the candy store wearing a low-cut blouse and a skirt like a tourniquet, much to the delight of the owner, a holocaust survivor, Refugee Jack.
“Tell the man what you want, Bernie.”
“I want a moyshie bar and a bag of tomato chips (Hershey bar and a bag of potato chips).
When she bent down to pick up the Hershey bar that Bernie dropped, Jack’s piercing gaze nearly deflated her bulging breasts.
Jack’s erotic leer was followed by,
“Oy! Ah leben auf duss kihnd” (Oh! A long life for this child).
Finally, when Jack returned from Shangri-la, the boys responded by belting out, Refugee Jack, sung to the tune of Gentleman Jack.
Refugee Jack Refugee Jack’s A sex maniac There’s no such thing As a piece of dreck (ugly woman) To Jack, Jack The sex maniac.
Jack responded with,
“Ich hob ubergelebt Hitler und ich vill aich uberleben.” (I outlived Hitler and I will outlive you.)
Fat Anne interrupted the chorus when she opened the door and asked,
“I heard The Nose was looking for me. Did anyone see him?
“Looking for you?” asked Puggy. “He could see you from five blocks away.”
“Shut your disgusting mouth, Puggy. You’re not so slim yourself.”
The Rail ordered a “loosie” (a single cigarette for a penny) then lit it. As soon as he placed the cigarette between his lips, in walked Flat Anne. Just as Fat Anne was fat, Flat Anne was flat. She was also baptized Gunder after Gunder Haag a famous Swedish long distance runner in the 1940s. When she walked, her stride was twice the length of an average person. She pulled the cigarette from The Rail’s mouth.
“How many times did I tell you to stop this disgusting habit?”.”
“I need it. It settles my noives.”
“We’re going to The Dover tonight. Psycho will settle your nerves.”
“Psycho?” said The Bull. “I don’t know what you’re going to do there, but I saw it yesterday, and it scared the shit out of me.”
Seven, who spent some time in the phone booth, came out to announce,
“Well boys, we have a date this Saturday.”
“We?” asked Peanzy.
“Yes, we. I have a date and asked her to get five friends for us. She said all her friends were pretty and nice. But listen guys, don’t embarrass me with your outfits this Saturday.”
“Why? Are you the last word in fashion? Those rust colored pants and chartreuse shirt belong in a circus, not in a candy store.”
”Ok, OK, Danny, but no t-shirt, no dungarees, and no sneakers.”
Jerry chimed in,
“Is a suit, a tie with a vest proper for the occasion?”
“Crap. I’m sorry I got you guys dates. Now I know The Moonlight Ride Up the Hudson is going to be an embarrassment.”
Peanzy, whose father was a part-time, mostly unemployed cab driver was furious.
“Up the Hudson. That’s $6 for two. I can’t ask my father for that. Do you think unemployment checks are trolley transfers?”
The older boys, “The Big Fellas” gathered around to sharpen their lances. Big Red joined was the first to pierce.
“Is it worth $6 to grab a feel on a boat ride when Fat Anne will give you one for nothing at the back of the store?”
This brought laughs from everyone.
Refugee Jack had front row seats to all these comedic events. He would have sold his pennies-over-the counter business had he been denied a center seat.
Saturday arrived and the boys boarded the crosstown bus to a more affluent section of the Bronx.
Rock edged over to Krebs.
“What if mine is a piece and yours is a dog?”
“Hey! I never thought of that.”
Hunched over in our seats, we were trying to solve the dilemma. Jerry had the solution.
“Let’s get off at the next stop and go home.”
He was supported by smiles and assenting nods, from all except Seven.
“What are you guys trying to do to me? You’re a bunch of rat finks.”
For the rest of this hilarious story and others read: Seabury Pace: A Bronx Memoir by Daniel Wolfe
For more humorous stories about the Bronx read: Seabury Place: A Bronx Memoir by Daniel Wolfe
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